“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” (2025)

If I Had Legs I’d Kick You

Grade: B+

Mary Bronstein’s 2024 film, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, is — as Time magazine film critic Stephanie Zacharek aptly describes — like “Uncut Gems for moms.” The movie is intentionally stressful and emotionally exhausting; cruel and cosmically unfair; an anxiety-inducing black comedy that revels in claustrophobic close-ups and molecular abstractions. It’s a very uncomfortable watch, which is entirely the point — kudos to Bronstein for maintaining such a heart-attack pace from beginning to end. Compared to Uncut Gems (Bronstein’s husband, Ronald, is a writing partner with the Safdie brothers), If I Had Legs I’d Kick You is a more ambiguous, surreal and harrowing companion piece. More relatable, too, but also a little too metaphorical at times. For better or worse, this film will frustrate you.

Following Linda (Rose Byrne), an absurdly overwhelmed Montauk psychotherapist, If I Had Legs turns everyday monotony into liminal horror: crying babies, car crashes, parking tickets, rude clerks, etc. Added to this are hysterical patients, a mysterious black hole in her ceiling, an absentee husband and a young, hyper-dependent, chronically ill daughter who remains unseen until the final shot. Through it all, Byrne delivers a remarkably grounded, tour-de-force performance, like Julianne Moore in Magnolia but without the melodrama. (The movie’s second-best actor? A$AP Rocky.) Even if Bronstein’s surreal conceits feel more like cheats when all is said and done (the grand payoff is unpredictable but also unfulfilling), If I Had Legs is still an effective, palpable depiction of motherhood as postmodern nightmare. Byrne makes sure the dream is worth watching.