“Vampires Suck” (2010)

Vampires Suck

Grade: D+

The best Twilight parody is Twilight itself, which logically makes Vampires Suck one of the most unnecessary movies ever. Vampires Sucks sucks.

Directing:

For spoofmeisters Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, mimicry is the extent of their parody: Vampires Suck really does look like Twilight. But I’m sure anyone with a $20 million budget could do the same.

Acting:

The actors are successful lookalikes who can imitate the mannerisms — breathy angst and stoic posturing, respectively — of Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson quite well, though no one has the natural comedic talent of, say, Anna Farris or Regina Hall.

Writing:

Vampires Suck, made for people who hate Twilight, is nearly a direct scene-for-scene parody, requiring the viewer to have seen Twilight to understand the references and storyline. Not that the humor rises any higher than basic slapstick, lazy puns or cheap visual gags, of which the best (e.g., Eric Yorkie getting hit by a truck) are crammed into the first 15-20 minutes.

Music:

Other than an orchestral melody that kinda mirrors the main Twilight love theme, music doesn’t play a big role in Vampires Suck — a missed opportunity considering the film’s need to illicit laughs in any possible way.

Ending (SPOILERS):

Skipping over the baseball game — the single most meme’able scene in Twilight — is an unforgivable unforced error, but incorporating elements of New Moon for the conclusion — a film which less than 5% of the target audience has seen — is even worse. At least Friedberg & Seltzer had the wherewithal to end this movie after 80 minutes, punching down to the bitter end.

“I guess it’s hard for me to accept that my little girl’s growing up. I mean, look at the size of those tits.” — Frank Crane

Why Vampires Suck gets a D+

As unnecessary and unfunny as Date Movie (2006) and Scary Movie 5 (2013).

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