“Snow White” (2025)

Snow White

Grade: D

Even ignoring all the offscreen controversy, Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White is bad enough to hopefully signal the end of these photorealistic slopfests.

Directing:

Muted digital colors, tacky costumes, grotesque uncanny CGI dwarfs (nevermind the fact that there is an actual dwarf actor in a supporting role) — director-for-hire Marc Webb, whose previous credits include (500) Days of Summer and The Amazing Spider-Man franchise, has dressed this film up in so many garishly computerized visuals that it’s hard to discern what is even real and whether this even deserves to be called “live-action.”

Acting:

Rachel Zegler is miscast but does a decent job as the titular princess: a good singer with commanding stage presence. Meanwhile, Gal Gadot gives us a few meme-worthy deliveries (the entirety of the “All Is Fair” song) that are nearly a laugh but really a cry.

Writing:

Rather than trying to make something new of the original 1937 animated classic, Disney has tweaked the plot with forced all-inclusion that rights old wrongs but creates shortsighted new ones in the process, pleasing no one and offending everyone — casting CGI dwarfs to avoid accusations of ableism; stripping the Evil Queen of character to avoid perceived misogyny; eliminating “Someday My Prince Will Come” in the name of feminism — but even worse than that, this adaptation of Snow White is just so damn boring that it’s not even worth getting worked up about.

Music:

The old songs (“Heigh Ho,” “Whistle While You Work”) are overshadowed by the Uncanny Valley appearance of the singers, while the new ones (“Waiting on a Wish,” “All Is Fair”) from the songwriting team of Benj Pasek, Justin Paul and Jack Feldman are overly theatrical and melodically unmemorable, but I will give credit where credit is due: “Princess Problems” is kinda catchy, even if actor/singer Andrew Burnap sounds like Owl City.

Ending (SPOILERS):

Rather than the Seven Dwarfs running the Evil Queen off a cliff in a thunderstorm, the 2025 version features a final showdown in which the Evil Queen disintegrates into glass and becomes vortex’d into the film’s most compelling character, the Magic Mirror, who doesn’t stick around for the predictable happy ending and unfulfilling final reprise of “Good Things Grow.” Viewers should follow suit.

“Your pies and your wise words.” — Evil Queen

Why Snow White gets a D

Slop and schlock, a statement grade, worse than all the other bastardized Disney live-action remakes: Pinocchio (2018), Aladdin (2019) and The Lion King (2019).

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