“Madame Web” (2024)

Madame Web

Grade: D

“He was in the Amazon with my mother when she was researching spiders right before she died.” This line of dialogue featured in the trailer but ultimately not used in the final cut of the film is a perfect summation of Madame Web, a movie that makes no goddamn sense at all. Unintentionally hilarious for all the wrong reasons, it’s one of the worst big budget blockbusters in recent memory.

Directing:

This is S.J. Clarkson’s directorial debut, so I’ll cut her a little slack. But that doesn’t necessarily change the fact that Madame Web is an affront to the art of cinema itself. Clarkson ignores basic filmmaking techniques like blocking, editing and establishing shots, while also wrapping everything in a sickly sheen that makes the entire movie look like a commercial for Cialis. And don’t get me started on the CGI, which is some of the most soulless, revolting, video game-y shit ever to be seen on the big screen.

Clarkson’s visual “style” for Madame Web seems to be culled from post-No Way Home superhero fare; influenced by a bastard lineage that includes Thor: Love and Thunder, Morbius and Quantumania. The directing is disorienting at best, disgusting at worst. The visuals signify nothing, and the camera moves only because it’s supposed to.

Acting:

The only competent actor in the entire film is Adam Scott, and that’s because he basically plays his character from Parks and Recreation (seriously…his name is Ben). Every other cast member — from Dakota Johnson to Sydney Sweeney — ranges from terrible to godawful, with every line delivery somehow being stilted, awkward and artificial in even the most basic dialogues. But the worst performance…ever?…is by Tahar Rahim, the ethnically ambiguous supervillain who appears to have dubbed 90% of his lines in post-production. Sometimes the audio doesn’t even match up with his mouth. Reminder: this movie cost $80 million.

Writing:

There is actually a somewhat cool premise behind Madame Web: a superhero protector who can predict and therefore alter the future. Unfortunately, her origin story is a clichéd fuck-up on all levels. To wit:

• Every line of dialogue is exposition that merely recites the plot (e.g., “They’re teenagers now, but in the future they have powers and will try to destroy me” or “Tell me your names! Tell me your names!!”)
• Every character makes the dumbest decisions ever (e.g., the girls are supposed to be hiding from a man who is trying to kill them, so naturally they start twerking on a table in a crowded diner)
• Every single scene has a plot hole (e.g., Why did the cops try to arrest Cassie after they just saw Ezekiel commit murder? How did Cassie go to Peru and back in a few hours? Why is the indigenous Las Arañas tribe a bunch of well-dressed white guys?)
• The CPR scenes will literally endanger lives (e.g., Cassie gives half-assed chest compressions to a dying man — “Cassie, we need you over here!” — Cassie bluntly tells the dying man, “You’re fine” — he gets up and walks away)

Music:

The movie takes place in 2003 for no other reason than to line up with Sony’s Peter Parker timeline. (SPOILER: Adam Scott’s Ben is actually Uncle Ben.) As such, we hear music from Britney Spears and Mis-Teeq. Poptimism strikes again.

Ending (SPOILERS):

Did the helicopter just talk? Did Pepsi-Cola product placement save the day? Does exploding in a fireworks factory really make you go blind? Why is Cassie super annoying and in a wheelchair now? Is Sony really going to make a sequel about the Spider Women trio? Has there ever been another film in history where literally not a single soul — from the directors to the writers to the actors to the marketers — even pretends to give a shit about the finished product? It took me two hours to finish this review, which is much more time and thought than the creators put into this movie.

“I’m gonna put some dirt in your eye.” — Ezekiel Sims

Why Madame Web gets a D

One of the worst superhero movies ever. Same level as Catwoman (2004) and Fantastic Four (2015).

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