“Best. Christmas. Ever!” (2023)

Best. Christmas. Ever!

Grade: F

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The maddening title punctuation is the first indication that Best. Christmas. Ever! is one of the worst movies ever made. The corporate tagline, “Only on Netflix,” is the second.

Directing:

Molly Lambert directed Netflix’s A Castle for Christmas in 2021, an uninspired film that screams ‘director-for-hire’ (she also directed Pet Semetary and its terrible sequel over 30 years ago, but that’s beside the point). But, hey, a woman’s got to work, and this movie will pay the bills for now. Who cares if it ignores basic filmmaking techniques like blocking, continuity and purposeful camera movement?

Acting:

Heather Graham and singer-turned-actress Brandy play two frenemies who get snowed in for Christmas with their respective families. They speak with their mouths and walk upright, thus giving off the impression that they are real humans.

Writing:

There was a writer’s strike early in 2023, so perhaps ‘Todd Calgi Gallicano’ and ‘Charles Shyer,’ who are credited as the screenwriters, are just pseudonyms for the latest AI platform? Then again, that’d be an insult to artificial intelligence. Best. Christmas. Ever! lacks anything resembling conflict, emotion and logic (the entire ‘frenemies’ storyline is resolved halfway through, and so the film moves onto a ‘let’s buy a house’ storyline that is instantly resolved, then a ‘meaning of Christmas’ storyline that is instantly resolved, etc.). ChatGPT could’ve shit out a better script than this.

Music:

Brandy and Jason Biggs sing a duet — another skinwalker moment that belongs in the uncanny valley.

Ending (SPOILERS):

Heather Graham’s character flies in a hot air balloon designed by the dead son of Brandy’s character, all so she can throw a toy monkey at her own son during the town Christmas pageant. The end. Sounds about right.

“Check mate.” – Beatrix Jennings

Why Best. Christmas. Ever! gets an F

Worst. Movie. Ever? Not even the dredges of Hallmark, Lifetime or Ion TV can spew up content as bad as this. I’d rather watch the much-memed Christmas Mail (2010) — at least that one is unintentionally hilarious.

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