“Valentine’s Day” (2010)

Valentine’s Day

Grade: C

Overflowing with Hollywood stars — seriously: the DVD cover lists 19 actors on the front — Garry Marshall’s 2010 film, Valentine’s Day, crams several formulaic rom-com movies into one single muddled mawkish mess.

Directing:

Juggling this many subplots would be ambitious for even the best directors, so I applaud veteran filmmaker and Happy Days creator Gary Marshall for his ambition. But Robert Altman he is not, and so — similar to the handsome, adulterous doctor played by Patrick Dempsey (Valentine’s Day‘s only villain? McDreamy.) — Marshall can’t keep up the balancing act for long. Because every storyline is so bland, it only takes about 20 minutes to forget who’s who, how they’re connected and why we should even care.

Still, Marshall does his best: the only way you can get 19 A-listers to sign on for such a project is by shortening their commute and setting Valentine’s Day in sunny Los Angeles, with every establishing shot acting as a shameless advertisement for the city itself. Throw in as many clichés as possible (e.g., catching your true love just before she boards an airplane), and you’re halfway to an American Love Actually.

Acting:

There are too many actors to list here, and for the most part they’re all playing typecast versions of themselves (e.g., Jessica Alba looks like Sue Storm, Ashton Kutcher is a doofy dude from That ’70s Show and, of course, the aforementioned Dempsey is a handsome doctor). But at the very least, Valentine’s Day is worth watching just to witness the sheer amount of movie stars assembled together for a single picture. It’s the Avengers of ass and mediocreness.

Writing:

With about 10 separate storylines, there’s simply no way the screenplay by Katherine Fugate can flesh out any individual character or subplot beyond readymade rom-com stereotypes. The lazy writing gets exposed fast, especially when this particular rom-com is neither romantic nor comedic, and the pacing gets predictable quick, especially when every subplot in this 125-minute film hits the same emotional beats at the same exact times.

Music:

The Valentine’s Day soundtrack is an uninspired mishmash of average songs (featured artists are Taylor Swift, Jamie Foxx, Jewel and Joss Stone) that aren’t all that catchy or amorous, with every musical moment just kinda fading into the background of Marshall’s milquetoast aesthetic.

Ending (SPOILERS):

Happy endings for all, which means a million cringeworthy kisses that miss the mark because they were never given ample time to develop. Should we cheer for Anne Hathaway and Topher Grace announcing their plans for makeup sex on the street? Is it a sign of undying commitment that Kathy Bates forces Héctor Elizondo to accept her affair from many decades ago? Is it cute when Jennifer Garner jokes about Ashton Kutcher’s kissing skills, or lack thereof? Why is Bradley Cooper’s homosexuality played as a twist? Has Jessica Biel ever seen a black man before? The fact that nearly every single relationship in Valentine’s Day spreads the wrong message about love is honestly impressive.

“By the way, she was very surprised you had female company. She thought you were gay.” — Liz Curran

Why Valentine’s Day gets a C

I won’t lie — I had a fun time watching Valentine’s Day. The movie’s stupidity is almost charming. But I can’t imagine ever watching it again. At least it gave us a great Roger Ebert review: “Valentine’s Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.”

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