“Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen” (2004)

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Grade: C+

I was surprised to learn that Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was not a made-for-TV movie. It premiered in theaters; not on the Disney Channel. And you know what? By the end, I actually found myself enjoying the cheapness of it all. Don’t mind the low grade — this is a Colin’s Review Guilty Pleasure Movie. Poorly made, but dammit that’s why I like it.

Directing:

Sara Sugarman directs this movie with gaudy visuals and tacky effects. For instance, the opening scene, in which our main character (15-year-old wannabe socialite “Lola”) turns into a puppet and does a backflip is absolutely mind-boggling. But Sugarman eventually leans into the campiness and has some fun with it. We’re in “so bad it’s good” territory here. Or, even rarer, “so bad it’s cute.”

Acting:

Actress Lindsay Lohan proves her talent. She’s funny, witty, hopeless and endearing in a way that’ll instantly resonate with any pre-teen girl, perfectly embodying the center-of-the-universe aura that comes with middle/high school drama. Unfortunately, every other member of the cast — Megan Fox included — acts completely insane.

Writing:

There are so many “wtf” moments (e.g., the Dance Dance Revolution scene; anything with Miss Bagoli) that you must believe screenwriter Gail Parent was making it all up as she went along. Nevertheless, Confessions made me nostalgic for the days when teenage girl movies weren’t about romance but were instead about standing up to the mean bullies. Other than the subplot where a pop rock band engages in predatory groupie-chasing behavior, this film is perfectly innocent (i.e., stupid).

Music:

Is Lohan’s modernized Pygmalion medley of “Living for the City” and “Changes” the weirdest thing in this movie? Not even close. The delirious soundtrack is terribly campy and it makes me question whether the film is intentionally bad or just truly awful on its own terms.

Ending (SPOILERS):

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen doesn’t care that it’s bad. It knows it, and it flaunts it. Do I know this for sure? Not exactly. Does that make the movie good? Not quite. The ending leaves a little to be desired, with too many tacked on sub-plots that try to tie everything into a neat little bow. Nevertheless, the overall message is good and quite wholesome. I won’t recommend the film, but I wouldn’t mind rewatching it.

“When you’re happy, the whole world’s New York.” — Lola

Why Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen gets a C+

Movies like Legally Blonde (2001), The House Bunny (2008) and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen prove that its okay to love gaudy tawdry slop.

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