“Twilight” (2008)

Twilight

Grade: D+

Twilight is so bad it’s good, but it’s also so bad that it’s terrible beyond belief — bad acting, bad dialogue and toxic characterization. Pretty fucking funny, though. A few more notes on Twilight:

Directing:

I can’t entirely fault director Catherine Hardwicke for this farce — in her defense, this is the best installment in the series. Likewise, the muted color palette and natural northwestern scenery provide some thoughtful and authentic mise en scène. Then again, there are so many scenes that are unintentionally hilarious — the vampire baseball game; Edward Cullen masquerading like he just shit himself in biology class; James looking directly in the camera not once, not twice, but thrice — that Hardwicke deserves just as much blame as Stephanie Meyer and Kristen Stewart and everyone over at Summit Entertainment.

Acting:

I realize that both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have somewhat beaten the bad actor allegations (see Certain Women and The Lighthouse for evidence), but their performances in Twilight are cringeworthy to the extreme, specifically Stewart’s stuttering and squinting clash of emotions. The film is unbearable thanks to the acting, especially when we’re subjected to it over the course of two hours.

Writing:

Disclaimer: I’ve never read the Twilight book series, so I’m not qualified to pick apart Meyer’s story. Melissa Rosenberg’s screenplay, however, is ripe for ridicule. Twilight is filled with dialogue that belongs in the “I’m 14 and This Is Deep” hall of fame (e.g., “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin”). Not to mention the abrupt tonal shifts, the lack of character development and the destructive messaging that legions of impressionable teenage girls might take the wrong way: obsessive toxic relationships are perfectly fine as long as the undead dick is good.

Music:

Carter Burwell composes the film score, which fades into the background amid dark and ominous tones. The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack is a little better, with selections from Paramore, Radiohead, Muse and Linkin Park. For fans of gloomy mid-2000s alternative pop rock, this is the OST for you.

Ending (SPOILERS):

“You just can’t say stuff like that to me, ever,” Bella Swan stammers after Edward suggests she is better off without him. Then in the final scene, she tries to give it up to him on prom night (on the dance floor, no less). Swoon? Thanks to a flat cliffhanger, their emotionally abusive codependent relationship will be given free rein to blossom over the course of four more godawful films.

“You better hold on tight, spider monkey.” — Edward Cullen

Why Twilight gets a D+:

A first-ballot bad movie hall of famer, Twilight is unintentionally funny thanks to its terrible acting and cringey dialogue. Hence the “plus.” It’s still a terrible movie, though. Hence the “D.”

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