Shitstopher Moltisanti

Pinpointing the Exact Moment Chris Defecates Himself in “Denial, Anger, Acceptance”

The final scene of TheSopranos’ third episode, “Denial, Anger, Acceptance,” is a masterful ode to The Godfather, a thrilling conclusion which juxtaposes the sacred and the profane. Tony crying tears of joy at his daughter’s choir recital is a stark contrast to Christopher Moltisanti begging for mercy while a gun is pressed against his head. This mesmerizing final sequence is brutal in its realism and artful in its composition — a watershed moment for the superb fledgling series.

But fuck all that pretentious shit; we’re here to discuss one thing and one thing only: determining the exact moment Christopher soils his pants on the pier. Because this is such vital information, the final scene should be treated like the Zapruder film, and analyzed with the microscopic attention to detail it deserves.

(*We know, or can at least suspect, that Chris shits himself during this scene because it is discussed in the following episode, “Meadowlands,” when Adriana directly asks him: ‘I heard the nurse say you went number 2 in your pants, is that what happened??”

Chris starts off by showcasing his poor decision-making. You never want to be eating a burrito right before you’re dragged to a mock execution by Russian thugs. It is literally the WORST possible food choice in this situation. Considering Chris’ hunger for success and the overall orgasmic quality of Jersey boardwalk food, this is definitely not his first burrito of the night. He was probably going to shit himself anyways.

Two Russian thugs drag Chris to the end of the pier, putting his legs in a vulnerable, pressure-release position. Had the police been notified, the telltale streak would lead them right to the scene of the crime.

Okay, definitely starting to turtle-head a little.

But this is the precise moment, right here. The hitman pulls the trigger, and Chris’ body instantly goes into rigor mortis. Scared shitless, a lifetime of fear flushed down the drain.

It takes Chris half a second to realize the gun wasn’t loaded, and even quicker to realize that the warm feeling in back of his britches isn’t because he’s sitting on a burrito. Read his eyes: “You’ve gotta be shitting me.”

Dude. The Russian instantly smells it (“Eww. P.U. Poopala.”) and kicks Chris to the ground out of disgust.Never noticed this part before — new evidence floating up to the surface. This would also explain why Chris seems to writhe about screaming in pain. He’d rather be dead at this point. And the rain ain’t helping, neither.

I just hope to God that Brendan Filone didn’t shit himself when he was executed in his bathtub. 

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